A nation awaits. A World Cup semi-final; England’s first since 1990. The potential reward? Maybe, just maybe, football really might be coming home.
I’m 47 years old. England relinquished their hold on the Jules Rimet trophy a couple of months before I was born. Never in my lifetime have I seen my national team reach the final of a major tournament. Only twice before – the 1990 World Cup and Euro 1996 – have I watched them in a semi-final, losing to Germany on penalties on both occasions.
At least it’s not the Germans this time. But which extreme of emotion awaits tomorrow night against Croatia: the agony or the ecstasy?
How did we get here? We entered the tournament with low expectations. A young side, one lacking creativity. Reaching the last 16 was the minimum requirement; anything further than a quarter-final no more than a pipe dream.
But then something funny happened. England led then were pegged back in their opening game against Tunisia. Same old England, faltering against mediocre opposition. Until Harry Kane popped up with an injury-time winner. Three points; a nation relieved.
Panama were brushed aside before a closing group stage loss to Belgium in the ‘Battle of the B teams’.
The last 16 game against Colombia was a horrible spectacle, made all the more so by the concession of an ultra-late equaliser and the dreaded penalty shootout. England always lose shootouts. Except this time they didn’t, as goalkeeper Jordan Pickford emerged as a hero.
Those of us of a certain age have Stuart Pearce’s visceral scream of redemption at Euro 96 seared into our memories. There he expelled the demons of his shootout miss six years earlier. Gareth Southgate had to wait 22 years for his moment, having missed the decisive penalty in 1996.
England bossed Sweden in the quarter-final. So that leaves only a day of reckoning against Croatia as the final obstacle to a place in the World Cup final. Four weeks ago that seemed impossible.
Dare we believe? Dare we dream?
Everyone knows Three Lions, right? Originally released in 1996 by The Lightning Seeds and featuring the comic duo David Baddiel and Frank Skinner, it wasn’t even England’s official song of Euro 1996. (The instantly forgettable We’re In This Together by Simply Red was.) It’s very much our national football anthem now.
Having already parodied New Order’s World in Motion, what better way to look forward to tomorrow night than with Three Lions? I’ve opted for the 1998 version of the song because it features the commentary of Southgate’s penalty miss in its intro. It just feels right.
Anyhow, here’s the story of England’s 2018 World Cup so far, in parody form. Who knows, maybe there is still one chapter left to write?
Three Lions 2018 (to the tune of Three Lions ’98)
We still believe
We still believe
We still believe
We still believe
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Football’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Football’s coming home
No hope for England
We all say
They lack creative play
They’re not great, just okay
We started well, then
Tunisia
Scored an equaliser
Our boys stumble, falter
Then Kane’s late winner
Three points and some pride
Panama found lacking
England qualified
Germany sent packing
Laying the ghost of ‘96
Knockout penalty kicks
Pickford grew
‘Tween the sticks
So now I see
Great set-piece routines
Last eight, bossing the Swedes
Alli scoring, so sweet
And Southgate’s waistcoat
Three lions proud again
Semi-final reckoning
Beat Croatia, then
World Cup final beckoning
Dare we even to dream
Of a Cup-winning team?
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Football’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Football’s coming home
Three lions proud again
Semi-final reckoning
Beat Croatia, then
World Cup final beckoning
Three lions proud again
Semi-final reckoning
Beat Croatia, then
World Cup final beckoning
Three lions proud again
Semi-final reckoning
Beat Croatia, then
World Cup final beckoning
Here’s the original video for Three Lions ’98, which opens with the commentary of Gareth Southgate’s Euro 96 penalty miss and features appearances by 1966 hat-trick hero Geoff Hurst, Robbie Williams and Chris Evans.
Then, of course, there is the original 1996 version, which includes Hurst again alongside England players Robbie Fowler, Stuart Pearce, Teddy Sheringham and Steve Stone, who re-enact some of the most famous moments from England history.
The less said about the 2010 remake featuring Russell Brand and Robbie Williams the better. No. Just no.
Brace yourselves, folks. We’re in for a dramatic night. Come on, England!
Parenting parodies
Thatcham Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
Toilet Trained (to the tune of Wonderwall)
Fairytale of Thatcham (to the tune of Fairytale of New York)
Kids in Cars (to the tune of Life on Mars)
Won’t You (Buy Something For Me) (to the tune of Don’t You (Forget About Me))
Pretty in Pink (to the tune of Pretty in Pink)
Vote For Me (to the tune of Let It Be)
iPhone (to the tune of Payphone)
When Stars Die (to the tune of When Doves Cry)
Parent Bloggers (to the tune of Single Ladies)
BML (to the tune of Let It Go)
Mummy Mummy Mummy (to the tune of Money Money Money)
Dinner at Maccy D’s (to the tune of Breakfast At Tiffany’s)
Halloween (to the tune of Beautiful)
Smells Like Boys’ Bedrooms (to the tune of Smells Like Teen Spirit)
Stay in Bed till Eight (to the tune of Stay Another Day)
On My Blog (to the tune of It’s a Sin)
Another Brick on the Floor (to the tune of Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2)
Make It Stop (to the tune of Shake It Off)
Support (to the tune of Stitches)
One More Hour of Sleep (to the tune of Rolling in the Deep)
A Bedtime Story (to the tune of The Edge of Glory)
I’m Still Singing (to the tune of I’m Still Standing)
Cake at a Conference (to the tune of Cake by the Ocean)
A Weekend Blogging Conference (to the tune of The Sound of Silence)
Soft Play Down (to the tune of Disco Down)
You Can’t Have Too Much CBeebies (to the tune of The Sun Always Shines on TV)
Royal Wedding (to the tune of White Wedding)
A Boy Obsessive (to the tune of World In Motion)
Instagram (to the tune of Vienna)
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