Are there any parents out there who actively enjoy going to soft play places?
Yes, it’s somewhere the kids can run around and blow off steam on a rainy morning. Maybe it’s better than being dragged around shopping on a Saturday. And at least you can sit down with a cup of (what passes for) coffee and a snack for a while.
Then there are also the inevitable bumps and scrapes. Those moments when little Johnny comes to you crying because a bigger kid has pushed them over, an accusation their mother vehemently denies even though you know their child has previous. That sickening feeling when you hear a child screaming in pain and you realise it’s one of yours.
We’ve all been there. I bet many have us have sworn we will never go back again. And yet we do – until that blessed day arrives when they have grown out of it and found other more interesting things to occupy their time. Like crashing off their scooters at the skate park. Or spending hours at a time glued, zombie-like, to their Xbox. Or whatever it is they do.
Thankfully, our three kids have just about reached that point. But here is an ode dedicated to all those of you who are still trapped in soft play hell. May God have mercy on you all.
Soft Play Down (to the tune of Disco Down)
Well, where are those kids of mine?
I know they wandered off but presumably they’re fine
I want a coffee and some cake and a sit-down
I keep shouting out loud to make myself heard
Have to keep an eye out for their behaviour
And the children must keep running round together
Else they’ll all get stuck in the ball pit forever
Feels like I’ve been
To every single soft play place around
We’ve tried them all, all over town
I want to tear this soft play down
Climbed up a slide, came tumbling down
I heard the screams, should we just go home now?
We’ve tried them all, all over town
I want to tear this soft play down
Well, we could be traumatised
I know we’re smiling now but inside we want to cry
If we just pretend that we all had a good time
We won’t go back again, next time we’ll stay at home
Even though we know that there’s nowhere else to go
And the children must keep running round together
Else they’ll all get stuck in the ball pit forever
Feels like I’ve been
To every single soft play place around
We’ve tried them all, all over town
I want to tear this soft play down
Feels like I’ve been
To every single soft play place around
We’ve tried them all, all over town
I want to tear this soft play down
Climbed up a slide, came tumbling down
I heard the screams, should we just go home now?
We’ve tried them all, all over town
I want to tear this soft play down
And here is the original in all its glory.
Parenting parodies
Thatcham Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
Toilet Trained (to the tune of Wonderwall)
Fairytale of Thatcham (to the tune of Fairytale of New York)
Kids in Cars (to the tune of Life on Mars)
Won’t You (Buy Something For Me) (to the tune of Don’t You (Forget About Me))
Pretty in Pink (to the tune of Pretty in Pink)
Vote For Me (to the tune of Let It Be)
iPhone (to the tune of Payphone)
When Stars Die (to the tune of When Doves Cry)
Parent Bloggers (to the tune of Single Ladies)
BML (to the tune of Let It Go)
Mummy Mummy Mummy (to the tune of Money Money Money)
Dinner at Maccy D’s (to the tune of Breakfast At Tiffany’s)
Halloween (to the tune of Beautiful)
Smells Like Boys’ Bedrooms (to the tune of Smells Like Teen Spirit)
Stay in Bed till Eight (to the tune of Stay Another Day)
On My Blog (to the tune of It’s a Sin)
Another Brick on the Floor (to the tune of Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2)
Make It Stop (to the tune of Shake It Off)
Support (to the tune of Stitches)
One More Hour of Sleep (to the tune of Rolling in the Deep)
A Bedtime Story (to the tune of The Edge of Glory)
I’m Still Singing (to the tune of I’m Still Standing)
Cake at a Conference (to the tune of Cake by the Ocean)
A Weekend Blogging Conference (to the tune of The Sound of Silence)
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