So here we are at the halfway point of the year. And here is my children’s appraisal of my performance as a father so far in 2016, courtesy of Head Teacher Isaac.
Maths: B. Dad continues to make steady if unspectacular progress. He has grown his Twitter followers by 50% since the start of the year but I am disappointed by his static page views and falling Tots ranking. His attitude needs improving as he constantly makes the excuse, “it’s all about the words not the numbers, daaahling”. That will get you nowhere,
young old man.
Writing: D. Blog posts continue to show promise but where’s this book you keep saying you will write? Quoting entire sections from The Unmumsy Mum’s book does not count. Dad needs to show more effort here in completing his homework and focus on achieving set goals if he is to maintain my lifestyle at the level to which I have become accustomed.
Music: C-plus for achievement, A for effort. Poor dad. He tries so hard, he really does. But although he’s a dab hand at writing wry observations in his musical parodies, he simply cannot hold a note and lacks star quality, despite his recent live performance at #BML16. So it’s a no from us, I’m afraid.
Podcast: B-plus. Better here, partly because he doesn’t have to sing and partly because he has assembled a good team to compensate for his many glaring weaknesses, which offer ample opportunity for development. Has shown adequate leadership skills in keeping this rag-tag fugitive fleet fleeing from the Cylon menace … no, hang on, that’s Battlestar Galactica, isn’t it? Anyhow, five months in he’s still going strong. Well, still going, at least. That’s something.
Freebies: A-minus. He keeps saying, “They’re not freebies, I work hard to produce great content.” Pull the other one, dad. He doesn’t get many … benefits in kind, I think he calls them, but the ones he does get are pretty cool. We loved Gadget Show Live – especially the fact Toby and I were given our own press passes). And apparently we’re all going to something called Camp Bestival next month. More of the same, please!
Being a Dad: B. He gets a bit shouty occasionally, spends too much time chuckling at (a) his phone and (b) his own jokes, and has a habit of falling asleep on the sofa drooling – sorry, dad, you know it’s true – but we know how much he loves us and enjoys his father and son/daughter time. He’ll do.
Overall grade: B. I suppose he’s alright, really. (But has anyone got Brad Pitt’s phone number? I hear he’s an awesome dad.)