It’s time for another collection of spoof parenting radio adverts.
This latest selection offers up everything from nostalgia-supporting gadgets to identifying a future 007 to follow in the footsteps of Daniel Craig. Enjoy.
Does the pace of modern life get you down? Need to get away from the constant emails and notifications? But you can’t afford a Gear VR or an Oculus Rift virtual reality headset?
Then slip on the latest in high-tech, low-cost eyewear that will help you escape the stresses and strains of today and bask in nostalgic memories of your youth. These tinted glasses will allow you to focus on ‘the good old days’ and ignore all the negative aspects of the past.
Lenses come only in one colour: rose. Rose-tinted glasses are not guaranteed to give an accurate view of history.
Toddler Hunger Games
First came the Olympic Games. Then came the Paralympics and the Invictus Games. Now, brought to you by a governing body with even less integrity than FIFA, comes the Toddler Hunger Games.
Watch as children battle it out for viewers’ entertainment in a variety of events every bit as gruesome as the books after which they’re named. In the artistic gymnastics, the beam is replaced by the Windowsill Walk. In track and field, the discus has been superseded by the Tomato Soup Bowl Throw. And if you thought wheelchair rugby was rough, just wait until you’ve seen Baby Buggy Ball.
Coming to a TV near you: summer 2016.
No children were harmed in the creation of the Toddler Hunger Games. Although some adults had to be taken away by men in white coats.
Licence to crawl
They tried everything. Playpens. Stair-gates. But no matter what M – that’s M for Mother – did, it didn’t work. Everywhere he goes, he leaves a trail of destruction behind him. There is no force on Earth that can stop him, and he isn’t even out of nappies yet.
Watch him in action in Octopoohy, Never Say Nappy Again and Cry Another Day.
He is Double-oh-seven months, licence to crawl.
First there was TimeHop, the app that dredged up all those photos from your past you wanted to remember – and a few you’d rather have forgotten. Now there’s FashionCrimeHop, the app your kids will use to shame you with pictures of all those outfits that seemed so cool in your younger years but, well, weren’t. Tie dye shirts. Flowery maternity dresses. Pretty much anything from the 1980s.
You may have blotted these crimes against fashion from your memory. But the internet never forgets.
Download FashionCrimeHop from the App Store or Google Play Store. You might as well, as your kids have downloaded it already.
Domestic Echo Audio Filter
Do your neighbours a favour and drown out the noise of your crying baby by soundproofing your home with the latest in sound insulation.
Made from the same material that lines a child’s ear drums to allow them to block out 99.9% of the sound of their parents telling them off while still being able to hear the sound of an ice cream van from half a mile away. The all-new Domestic Echo Audio Filter – DEAF for short – will solve all your noise problems.
If you have any ideas for future adverts, I’d love to hear them! Who knows, they might appear on a future podcast recording …