If Carlsberg made radio adverts about parenting …

Carlsberg radio adverts

… They would probably sound nothing like these. But anyway.

While several of my blogging pals – from Sarah The Unmumsy Mum and Hayley (and Natty) from Downs Side Up to Al from The Dad Network and the two Johns Dad Blog UK and dadyougeek – have been popping up on your TV over the past couple of weeks, you won’t be seeing me on your screens any time soon, whether it is TV or vlogs.

It’s not just that I have a face for radio. I can be hopelessly inarticulate when put under the spotlight plus I have a busy full-time job, so when I’m occasionally asked if I’m available to appear on a TV or radio panel on a weekday at 24 hours’ notice, my answer is invariably no.

That hasn’t stopped me from experimenting with audio, though. I’ve been podcasting for three years and recently launched the Meet the Parents podcast, a weekly collaborative effort spanning a group of both mums and dads. And I’ve also been dabbling in both writing and recording parenting parodies of classic pop songs – everything from Oasis to the Pogues – on a monthly(ish) basis.

My latest venture is (literally) more of an ‘ad-venture’, as I’ve started recording a series of spoof radio ads for fictional parenting-related products for the podcast. Although some of them seem like quite good ideas to me …

Here are the first three. Enjoy.

Wine goggles

Children out of control? Is it wine o’clock yet? Then why not try out Wine Goggles?

Wine Goggles improve the performance of even the most mediocre supermarket Chardonnay or Merlot. Wear them while you drink and make everything look that little bit better. Available from all good opticians – and some bad ones too.

Warning: this product may not improve your eyesight. Not recommended as part of a calorie-controlled diet. Do not operate heavy machinery while wearing Wine Goggles.

Oxford bloggers’ dictionary

Are you confused by DAs and RTs? Don’t know what an SAHM is? Worried about being caught boastbooking?

Then the all-new Oxford Bloggers’ Dictionary of Pointless Acronyms and Expressions – OBDPAE for short – is for you. Guaranteed to be out of date the moment you buy it.

TARDIS

Is your family home overrun with children’s toys and books? Reclaim your space with the revolutionary new Tidy Away Room Drawerless Interior Storage – TARDIS for short.

With its attractive retro police box exterior, its ingenious engineering means it’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Get yours today.

Disclaimer: only one available. One previous owner. Comes only in blue.

If you have any ideas for future adverts, I’d love to hear them! Who knows, they might appear on a future podcast recording …

Listen to all of these and much more on the Meet the Parents podcast. You can also follow on Twitter and Facebook and subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and Android or via Spreaker or RSS feed.

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