I will accept no arguments on this one. The greatest Christmas song of all time was released in 1987 – but I think I’ve improved it.

Featuring the late Kirsty MacColl, Fairytale of New York was the Pogues’ biggest hit and, nearly three decades later, still features on heavy rotation on radio and TV every December. Only the Pet Shop Boys’ Always On My Mind – for me, the greatest cover version ever, but that’s for another time – prevented it from being the year’s Christmas number one single.

A bittersweet but ultimately uplifting tale of a warring, drunken couple down on their luck, Fairytale is the perfect antidote to the saccharine sweetness of most seasonal songs. Hearing or seeing it for the first time every year marks the unofficial start of the run-up to Christmas as far as I’m concerned.

So when I was scouting around for a Christmas song to do a parenting parody of, the choice was a simple one. So here is my Fairytale of Thatcham. Do sing along now …

Fairytale of Thatcham

It was Christmas Eve again
In West Berkshire
My children said to me
Let’s unwrap presents now
Then they showed me an app
A Santa tracking tool
I wished a silent wish
That they were back at school

Open the Baileys fast
Know it will never last
I saw at Aldi
They’re buy one get one free
A week of slurring
I love you, baby
Pigs in blankets, sausage rolls
And frozen vol au vents

We’ve got Elf on the shelf
Christmas Day Doctor Who
If you want a sequel
There’s Home Alone 2

There’s Wizzard and Wham
And there’s Mud and there’s Slade
And don’t forget
Bob Geldof and his Band Aid

Wrap presents, write labels
Dress up dining tables
It’s A Wonderful Life
On the telly again
Fight for sprouts in the aisles
Checkout queues go for miles
All the kids still awake
Say they’ll stay up all night

The kids of the Thatcham Park school choir
Were singing ‘Jingle Bells’
When did Christmases become
A living hell?

Mull some wine, warm mince pies
Christmas Radio Times
Starbucks red coffee cup
Put the fairy lights up
All the kids now in bed
Eggnog gone to my head
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night

The kids of the Thatcham Park school choir
Were singing ‘Deck The Halls’
And we’re hanging Christmas cards
Up on the walls

I whispered to my wife
What happened to our life?
We used to be so chilled
Before we had kids
Things are just different now
Our girl and our two boys
They fill the day with joy
Wouldn’t be the same without them

The kids of the Thatcham Park school choir
Will sing ‘2000 Miles’
And we’ll see in Christmas Day
With beaming smiles

And here is the original in all its glory.

Parenting parodies

Thatcham Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Toilet Trained (to the tune of Wonderwall)

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