What if Oasis had written a song about toilet training?

Toilet trained cover art

Hot on the heels of my parody of Bohemian Rhapsody to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the classic Queen song, I’ve been wondering what Oasis’s Wonderwall – which celebrated its 20th birthday a couple of weeks ago – might have sounded like if Noel Gallagher had been preoccupied with toddler toilet training at the time.

It’s one of the greatest ‘what if?’ questions of our time, right?

Anyway, here’s my take on what might have been if Wonderwall had instead been called Toilet Trained.

Today is gonna be the day
That I’m gonna put you on the loo
By now you should have somehow
Realised when you need a poo
I still believe that all our children
By the age of three should learn to wee

No more mess on the toilet floor
Cos I’m sick I always have to mop
Let’s not turn it into a war
Cos I’m not sure who’ll come out on top
I still believe that all our children
By the age of three should learn to wee

And all our floors have that faint smell of urine
Your ‘accidents’ are something we’re enduring
There are many things that I would like to teach to you
But I don’t know how

Cos baby
Not gonna be the one that shames me
You will be tamed
You’ll be toilet trained

Today was gonna be the day
I was gonna put you on the loo
But then you did it all again
And your pants overflowed with poo
All that I want’s a sign of progress
That is all I ask
Please from you now

I’m getting bored of putting you in nappies
The repetition’s making me unhappy
There are many things that I would much prefer to do
If you’d just learn now

I said baby
Not gonna be the one that shames me
You will be tamed
You’ll be toilet trained

I said baby
Not gonna be the one that shames me
You will be tamed
You’ll be toilet trained

I said baby (I said baby)
Not gonna be the one that shames me (that shames me)
Not gonna be the one that shames me (that shames me)
Not gonna be the one that shames me (that shames me)

Don’t worry though, I’m not planning on performing this one for the podcast. Yet.

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