It’s that time of the year when Christmas wish lists are compiled and presents are bought. Now that our two boys fully understand what Christmas is all about and – in Isaac’s case, old enough to have pocket money too – I think it’s only fair to let them know a few things they could buy or do for me for December 25th.

So, boys, just in case you’re reading this: take notes, okay? Some of these won’t cost you a penny, while others will require you to save up all your pocket money, take out an unsecured personal loan and possibly even resign yourself to a life of penury and servitude. But I’m worth it, right?

1. Do not insist on getting us up to open your presents before 6am on Christmas Day. Failing that, buy me earmuffs so that I can’t hear you when you do get up, and enough tranquilisers that I don’t wake up when you inevitably rush in and start jumping on our bed.

2. A contraption that allows stray cars, Lego bricks and other toys to be retrieved from under sofas or behind cupboards and the TV without me having to put my back out moving half the furniture in the house three times a week.

3. Lightweight body armour for when you decide to bodily hurl yourselves at me while I’m quietly watching the football. You’re getting too big and heavy to use me as a trampoline or a crash mat. I have the bruises to prove it.

4. An app for my iPhone which uses GPS to locate the iPad so I can find it no matter which cunning hiding place you have left it in after playing with it. Actually, scratch that. Just buy me a new iPad and we’ll call it quits.

5. This, which apparently is going up for auction in January and is expected to fetch a seven-figure sum. (Not sure how many miles per gallon it gets, though …)

6. If all else fails, a kiss and a hug. Do that and you can get away with not doing all of the above. I’m just a big softie like that, really.

Now where did I put my stocking?